


found a life worth living for someone else

by flashlightinacave



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Devi tries to suppress her emotions and she's not very good at it, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Mutual Pining, Pining, Post-Canon, everyone can see it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flashlightinacave/pseuds/flashlightinacave
Summary: “I need you to be my boyfriend.”Ben’s mouth falls open in shock. “What?”“Not for real, of course!” Devi notices that Ben’s expression is still one of absolute confusion. She guesses she owes him the real explanation. “It’s just, Paxton won’t date me until I’ve had experience being with someone."or; After Paxton tells Devi he won't date her until she's been in a relationship with someone else first, she makes the natural decision: pose as Ben Gross' girlfriend.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Comments: 157
Kudos: 483





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I couldn't resist, so I wrote another Ben and Devi fic, just posting the first chapter of this one for now, but I've already planned out most of the rest of the fic and started the second chapter, so that should be up soon. I hope you guys enjoy! If you wanna chat about this show with me, come scream with me on Tumblr where I'm @montygreen
> 
> The title is once again taken from a Marina and the Diamonds song (this time it's "Happy")

Never has Devi ever imagined being here.

(For clarification, by “here” she means in the passenger seat in Ben Gross’ father’s car, in Malibu, being kissed by her former nemesis.)

It’s a lot better than she expected — not she’d ever expected she and Ben would be kissing — he is a surprisingly good kisser, his lips are soft, and he’s cradling her gently, with a certain tenderness that Devi thinks might make her burst.

She pulls away abruptly, regret filling her the minute she does.

She meets Ben’s eyes, they’re gorgeously blue and filled with a surprising amount of affection. He swipes his thumb across her cheek. “I have wanted to do that for such a long time.”

Devi tries to think of a quip she can use to tease him. “You’ve always been a little bit obsessed with me, haven’t you, Gross?”

He’s brushing his thumb against her jawline now, his touch soothing. He chuckles, his laugh making Devi feel weirdly warm and fuzzy inside. “No more than you are with me, David,” he murmurs.

He leans in as if to kiss her again before a knock on the window of Ben’s car startles them apart.

Devi looks up to see Kamala standing by the car window, her smile courteous. She smooths the front of her shirt and straightens up before rolling down the window to speak to her. “Devi, your mother and I are leaving soon, are you coming?”

“Actually, I was thinking…” Devi glances at Ben. “Ben is going to drive me to his house so I can pick up my stuff and then I’ll head home.”

Kamala throws Devi a knowing look — a familiar look Devi remembers giving her when she found out about Kamala and Steve — and for a moment Devi is overwhelmed with relief that Kamala knocked on the car window rather than her mother. “Is that okay with you, Benjamin?”

Ben nods his head. “Yes, of course. I’ll have her home soon.”

Kamala flashes her patented polite smile and Devi rolls up the window. “So, that was…” Ben’s hands are nervously folded, a gesture Devi recognizes only from one other occurrence, the 8th Grade state science fair. Ben had bragged for the weeks leading up to it that both his wealthy parents would be in attendance to celebrate his inevitable victory. (Neither had shown up in the end and he’d only gotten second prize, Devi remembers almost feeling sorry for him.) 

“You should be thankful that it was Kamala who came instead of my mom. She would straight-up murder you if she found out you kissed her daughter.”

Ben playfully jabs her. “Hey, I’m pretty sure you kissed me first.”

“Well, yes, but if I remember correctly, you did kiss me back, did you not?” She elbows him and laughs. “Though more accurately, we did kiss each other.” The desire to kiss him again reaches a fever pitch and Devi finds herself leaning in again. She’s achingly close, but then Ben swerves away from her.

“Nuh-uh, I know you want to kiss me again, believe me, I don’t blame you, but I told your cousin you’d be home soon, so I intend on keeping my promise.”

Devi pouts causing Ben to chuckle again and boy, Devi has decided that she likes the way his laugh makes her feel. “I already risked my life for you once today, David, by driving on the highway, I’m not risking it again by pissing off your mom.”

As they start on their drive back to Ben’s house (exclusively to pick up her stuff, no funny business allowed, Ben reminds her with a smirk), Devi watches him drive. The way his fingers flex on the steering wheel is remarkably attractive, though at this moment Devi offhandedly thinks that she’d much rather his fingers dancing delicately across her skin as he kisses her again.

At some point during the ride, she checks her phone and is startled to see Paxton’s name pop up as a new missed caller. She makes sure Ben’s eyes are fully focused on the road as she lifts her phone to his ear and plays his message.

 _Paxton Hall-Yoshida, the hottest boy in school, wants to hang out with her_ , Devi thinks as her heart races a mile a minute. She shoves everything she feels for the boy sitting next to her down deep as she frantically types out a message to Paxton and asks him to meet up with her at her house this weekend.

If Paxton — the boy she’s wanted for, well, forever — wants to be with her, then everything is simple. There is no use thinking about whatever stray feelings are floating around in her heart for Ben Gross. She wants Paxton, she’s always wanted Paxton, it’s as easy as that.

(When Ben parks his car in the massive garbage attached to his home and smiles kindly at Devi, his beautiful blue eyes blazing with fondness, she tries to push the way her heart somersaults in her chest down deep and not let herself be distracted.)

* * *

Paxton rings her doorbell that Saturday and surprisingly, Devi convinces her mother to let her spend some alone time with him. The only condition is that she and Paxton will chat outside on the front steps, where they can be watched by Devi’s mother if she feels the need to prevent anything untoward.

Devi isn’t completely happy with the terms, but it’s more compromising than her mother has ever been before, so she accepts. 

She steps outside and sits down on steps, patting the spot beside her. Paxton sits next to her and she hears him sharply inhale as if he’s nervous about something. _What could he possibly be nervous about?_ Devi wonders.

“So what did you want to talk about?” She looks Paxton up and down, he’s still as attractive as ever. She sighs dreamily as she thinks about that single kiss they shared. The way he’d tilted her chin up so their lips could meet to silence her stupid rambling. It was a nice kiss, soft and tender, but it didn’t stir something in her the way kissing Ben did. (Wait, why the hell is she thinking about Ben?)

“I like you,” Paxton admits and Devi feels her breath catch. This, right here, is the moment she’s always been dreaming of, isn’t it?

She feels like her heart might burst with joy until Paxton smashes her hopes. “But I won’t be your first boyfriend.”

“What?” Devi asks him. “Why not?”

“Because you’ve never been with anyone and I’ve been with everyone. How could that possibly be fair, Devi?”

“But if you like me, then why should that matter?” Devi asks, holding back the tears that threaten to spill over.

“Look, I’m not a serious kind of guy and I know you’re a serious kind of girl, Devi,” he runs his hand through his hair. “As much as you try and deny it, I know you want the perfect first romance and that’s not something I can give you. I really don’t want to get your hopes up just to smash them into pieces.”

“Paxton, you’re giving yourself too much credit if you think you can smash my hopes into pieces,” Devi says trying to project confidence she doesn’t feel.

“I’m sorry,” Paxton says, he stands up and turns to leave. “I’m just not ready for commitment, not right now.”

 _It wasn’t a total rejection_ , Devi thinks to herself, suppressing her sadness, _he just doesn’t want to be with me until I’ve had some relationship experience._ All in all, Paxton just told her he likes her, something Devi usually reserves for her wildest fantasies. She just needs to date someone before he feels comfortable being in a relationship with her. She can totally do that! As she lifts her phone and opens up her most recent texts, one particular name jumps out at her.

Yes, she knows exactly what she can do.

* * *

She effectively ambushes him by his locker Monday morning at school. 

“I need you to be my boyfriend.”

Ben’s mouth falls open in shock. “What?” 

“Not for real, of course!” Devi notices that Ben’s expression is still one of absolute confusion. She guesses she owes him the real explanation. “It’s just, Paxton won’t date me until I’ve had experience being with someone and well…” she stops noticing Ben’s expression, he looks hurt.

“Look, I’m sorry, it was a stupid idea and I shouldn't have asked you and I…” She stops rambling when she feels the gentle touch of Ben’s hand on her shoulder. _Wait, since when is she describing his touch as gentle?_

“I’ll do it.”

Devi feels a smile break out across her face. “Really?”

Ben shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, of course. We’re friends, Devi, I’m not going to say no to you.”

Devi notices that her heart rate shoots up when he calls them friends, but she casts that aside.

“One more thing,” Devi adds tilting her head to the side. “We’re going to need a contract.”

Ben shakes his head and chuckles. “You can’t have possibly thought I was going to agree to this without something in writing, David.”

* * *

Devi drafts a contract that looks something like this:

  1. Ben will meet Devi by her locker every morning (easy enough, his locker is right next to hers), a kiss isn’t always necessary, but it will certainly help sell the act
  2. Ben will walk Devi to all of her classes, they’re both taking AP everything, so they’re in all of the same classes anyway. They’ll make sure to hold hands during this time
  3. Devi and Ben will eat lunch together every day, sometimes this means Devi and Ben will eat lunch strictly together while sometimes Fabiola and Eleanor will also join them (what’s a good boyfriend if he isn’t kind to your friends?)
  4. Devi and Ben will work together on any group projects assigned in class, this is also the ideal situation since they both have the highest grades
  5. Another note on kissing: Either can kiss one another whenever they feel the moment is right, but neither are too big on PDA, so kissing should be reserved for in the hallway or during lunchtime
  6. Devi and Ben shall post pictures together on social media, these will mostly be posted on Devi’s account — she’s the one who Paxton follows anyway — but some must be posted on Ben’s as well to more effectively sell their relationship



She shows it to Ben the next morning and his first reaction is an eye roll. “You want me to kiss you every morning?”

“We need to be convincing,” Devi protests, “If we want to convince Paxton, I mean the school, that we’re in a relationship, we need to play the part.”

Ben frowns and furrows his brow. “It seems like you’re overselling it.” Devi then notices that his hands are once again folded nervously, he only seems this nervous when he’s around her. “Besides, I know we texted a little, but we didn’t talk about what happened…” Ben swallows, “between us.”

His vulnerability makes Devi feel uneasy and her heart rate picks up. 

But there’s no time to evaluate why he makes her feel this way, so instead, she flippantly says, “I mean, we just kissed, it’s not a big deal, right?”

(Of course, it is a big deal, a bigger deal than Devi could ever admit. Finding Ben in his car, waiting for her, wanting to make sure she was okay had been the catalyst to a slightly terrifying realization. He had always been there for her. Ben Gross was a constant, a true north, a fixed point in her life. He’d gone from a painful thorn in her side to a trusted friend and confidant who she could turn to whenever she needed someone. Overcome with emotion, Devi had kissed him, the action impulsive and without thought. The shock on his face when she pulled away made her want to curl up into a ball and die on the spot or utter apologies until the end of time. But then he’d kissed her back and suddenly, everything felt good and right and perfect and boy, was he surprisingly skilled with his tongue. But she was into Paxton, she was supposed to be into Paxton, so when she’d heard his voicemail, she’d filed away everything she’d felt when she kissed Ben deep into her soul.)

“Ben, please don’t make me find someone else,” Devi pleads. This will be easiest with him, she needs it to be him.

“No, you’re right, it’s not a big deal.” Ben’s annoyed expression morphs into one of mischief. “In fact…” he begins before pulling Devi towards him and pressing his mouth to hers.

At first, Devi lets herself melt into it — her eyes fluttering shut — Ben is a surprisingly good kisser after all. It’s not just the way he kisses her, but the way he holds her, the way he cradles her as if she is something precious. 

A kiss like this is certainly not what Devi meant on her contract, she was thinking more of a peck. She was thinking of something casually exchanged, not submerged in meaning she isn’t quite willing to dissect. The way Ben is kissing her right now is too real, too deep, too much, so she pulls away.

Ben’s expression is akin to disappointment. “Not a big deal,” Devi repeats, “but I was thinking more of a peck.”

Ben clears his throat. “Right, of course, that would be much more appropriate.” He holds out his hand to her. “So we have a deal?”

Devi reaches out her hand to reciprocate his handshake, but when she catches Eleanor and Fabiola out of the corner of her eye and she changes direction and pecks his lips instead. (His lips are criminally too soft to waste with meagre pecks, but Devi won’t admit that to herself.) “We have a deal. Now get to class, you wouldn’t want to ruin that perfect attendance record of yours.”

Ben chuckles. “As if it’s not just as impeccable as yours.”

He smiles at her wistfully before turning on his heel and heading to class.

Devi sighs and shakes her head having only a moment to herself before she is ambushed by her two best friends. “Were my eyes deceiving me or were you just kissing Ben Gross?” Fabiola asks, a beaming grin on her face.

Eleanor grabs Devi’s shoulders and shrieks. “Oh, I always knew you two were going to fall in love! Enemies to lovers is the classic trope” she sighs dreamily, “I always knew you were Kat and he was Patrick!” she claps her hands together excitedly, “Oh, Devi, it’s our very own _10 Things I Hate About You_.”

The excitement in her friends' eyes is wonderful and for a brief moment, Devi wonders if lying to them would be better. But she realizes she can’t and she won’t, the last time she lied to Eleanor and Fabiola, she almost lost them both, she will not risk that again.

“Ben and I aren’t dating,” Devi confesses. The excitement in Eleanor's expression drops away and Fabiola shakes her head. For a moment, Devi regrets her honesty, maybe she should have kept this from her friends. _No, being honest with them is the right choice,_ her subconscious reassures her. 

“Think of it as a _To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before_ stitch.”

Eleanor rolls her eyes. “Devi, you remember how that movie ends, right? Lara Jean and Peter fall in love. And I know you watched that film cause we watched it together and you immediately announced that Lana Condor was your new style icon.”

“Come on El, you said you liked her fashion sense too!”

“So you’re fake dating Ben, why?” Fabiola asks with a mixture of concern and confusion that makes Devi feel uneasy.

Devi sighs. “I hung out with Paxton this weekend and told me he has feelings for me, but he doesn’t want to date me since I’ve had no experience. I just need him to think that I’m getting that experience with Ben.”

Fabiola tuts and shakes her head. “Devi, you have to know this is a terrible idea and I’m sure if I asked Gears Brosnan he would agree.”

“Yeah and what about what you’ll be doing to Ben?” Eleanor asks. 

“What exactly am I doing to Ben?” 

“You’re breaking his heart more than Alexander Hamilton broke Eliza’s heart when he cheated on her.”

Devi snorted. “I’m not breaking Ben’s heart, you guys are being ridiculous.”

“Devi,” Fabiola says with a sigh, “you told us he tried to kiss you twice at his birthday party, he has certain feelings for you and you asking him rather than anyone else clearly indicates that you have some kind of feelings for him.”

“Fabs, El, you’re both way off base, I don’t have feelings for Ben and he certainly doesn’t have feelings for me. His heart isn’t mine to break just as my heart isn’t his. And the whole reason I’m doing this is to get with Paxton, remember? He’s the one I like.”

(Of course, Devi knows it’s more complicated than that. She likes Paxton, she’s been into him as long as she can imagine. Sure Paxton is flaky, but at least she knows he’ll eventually leave, she can prepare for it and deal for it. Ben, on the other hand, is constant. If Ben left, her whole world would crumble. And that is why she can’t be vulnerable towards him. If he left, she fears she would break.)

“No, Devi,” Eleanor says wistfully, “You like the idea of Paxton.”

“But of course, we’re your friends, so we’ll support whatever you choose to do, even if we think it’s horrendously stupid,” Fabiola says. 

That’s all the encouragement Devi needs, so with that, she smiles, grabs the hands of her very best friends in the world, and makes her way to history class.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support and compliments regarding the last chapter! I'm really hoping this lives up to everyone's expectations! I had approximately 0 control and wrote most of this today haha.

When Devi takes her seat in history class, Ben flashes her the million-watt smile she knows is reserved exclusively for her. (Not that him having a special smile for her means anything, it doesn’t make her feel anything, and she definitely doesn’t have a special smile tucked away and saved for him.)

She and Ben are still competitive in class, racing to raise their hands faster and answer the questions asked by Mr. Shapiro. But rather than scowling when Mr. Shapiro calls on Ben instead of her, Devi smiles fondly and she knows the action is reciprocated by Ben. She recognizes that there is no point in acting any closer in history class — Paxton hasn’t paid attention to a history lesson ever, hence why he’s in her class in the first place — but she likes being on the same team as Ben. She likes that he challenges her and motivates her and keeps her engaged, but that he no longer pushes her towards her breaking point.

Once their history lesson ends, she feels Paxton’s gaze on her and she immediately reaches for Ben’s hand. He’s the real reason they’re trying to sell this after all. If Paxton Hall-Yoshida doesn’t believe she and Ben are together there’s no point. To her relief, she feels Ben’s fingers curl into her own and in response, she grips him like a lifeboat. “Biology?” he mouths to her and Devi nods her head. One of the agreements of their contract is that Ben will walk her to all of her classes so that is exactly what he does.

(As they walk, Devi definitely isn’t thinking about her perfectly their hands fit together or how firm and reassuring his grip is, how secure and treasured just holding his hand makes her feel.)

Biology passes in a blur, even with she and Ben dominating the class as usual. Even as Devi answers countless questions about meiosis, mitosis, and DNA replication (always correctly, of course) her mind is elsewhere.

When class comes to an end, Ben throws Devi a smile that makes her heart rate speed up, but she tries to ignore it. He offers her his hand and she takes it as they make their way to the school’s cafeteria. “So…” Ben starts once their conversation can be relatively private, “are we having lunch together today?” he asks.

“Of course, that was part of the contract, we need to be convincing after all.”

Ben nods his head. “Well, the entire school knows that we’re rivals, but we have to flip that perspective and convince them that we’re together, so how do we do that? ”

They take their seats at a small secluded table in the cafeteria and Devi pulls out her thermos. “Social media is a good start, we should try and post pictures together on Instagram.” She pulls a spoon out of her lunch bag and unscrews the lid of her thermos. “What even is your Instagram handle anyway?” As she takes a bite of her food — leftover chana masala, one of her favourites — and slides her phone over to Ben. 

Ben types in his Instagram username into the search bar, presses the follow button, and slides her phone back to her.

Devi snorts. “Seriously? Your Instagram handle is @bentheredonethat? You are such a nerd.” She sticks out her tongue and flicks her spoon at him. 

“It’s called wordplay, Devi, ever heard of it?” Ben takes a bite of his sandwich and arches an eyebrow. “Fine, what’s your Instagram handle?”

“It’s @devi_vishwakumar, which makes, you know, actual sense given that it’s my name.”

Ben tuts and shakes his head. “No sense of creativity.”

Devi elbows him. “I’d rather have an uncreative Instagram handle that people can recognize than some dumb pun that screams dweeb.”

“Hey, I’m not a dweeb, I’m hot!” Ben protests.

Devi shakes her head as she continues to eat her lunch. “Your follower count begs to differ.” She notices Ben frown slightly. “What happened anyway? Didn’t you used to have more than a thousand followers?”

Ben sighs. “Remember the night of my party where I made an ass of myself and I tried to kiss you?” Devi nods, feeling a little embarrassed at the memory. She’d made quite an ass of herself that night too, fighting with her friends in front of their entire class, toppling into the pool. “Well, I broke up with Shira that night.”

Devi took another bite of her food. “You never talked about what happened between you two, how’d she take it?”

“I didn’t know you cared so much about my personal life, David.”

“Well, I don’t, but since I am your girlfriend now, I have to at least pretend to.” She puts special emphasis on the word girlfriend, liking the way it rolls off her tongue. Devi nudges him again. “Just tell me what happened.”

“Honestly? Nothing. I told her I didn’t want to be in an unfulfilling relationship anymore, she muttered ‘omg same’ and posted a story on Instagram all of a minute later with the caption ‘single and ready to mingle bitchez.’”

“Oh, I’m sorry that sucks.”

“Can I be honest?” Ben asks with a certain amount of vulnerability in his eyes. Devi nods her head and he continues. “I actually felt relieved more than anything else. Even though I lost most of my followers, no longer being dependent on the status given to me by being in a relationship with Shira, made me feel almost lighter, freer.”

“And now you’re dating me and I can easily say that I am superior to her in every way.”

Ben laughs richly and deeply and it warms Devi to the cockles of her heart. “It’s not like being a better girlfriend than Shira is much of a competition anyway, even a fake relationship makes me feel more fulfilled.”

“I’d be such a good girlfriend, you wouldn’t be able to handle being in a real relationship with me, Gross.” Devi gloats.

“Well, sure, I’m not sure anyone can quite handle you, isn’t that what Paxton told you?”

Devi feels her heart sink at his words. They hurt more than she would like and goddamn it, she hates that Ben Gross has such a grip on her emotions.

(Or maybe she likes the effect he has on her, no one has ever made her feel or think as intensely or passionately as he has.)

He must notice hurt in her expression because suddenly he takes her hands and he’s muttering apologies. “Look, that wasn’t cool of me, Devi, I’m sorry.”

Devi shakes her head. “No, it’s fine.” She grips his hands more tightly and stares into his stupidly beautiful blue eyes. “I never thanked you…” she sharply inhales, “for doing this for me.”

“Of course,” Ben says, his voice softer than she’s used to, “I was happy to help.”

Devi finds herself so overwhelmed with appreciation for him at this very moment that she leans forward and she kisses him. Ben reciprocates immediately and kisses her back. It’s somehow both tender and ignites a fire in her soul. One hand cups the back of her head and Devi feels Ben’s other hand rest on the slope of her neck. His lips are soft and his mouth is gentle and Devi sighs into the kiss. The hand once rested on her neck now cups her jaw, his thumb tracing gentle circles on her cheek. His touch sends a sizzle down her spine and Devi pulls away quickly.

Ben blinks at her, his eyes wide with shock. “I saw Paxton looking over at us,” Devi says immediately jumping to defend her actions. 

Ben clears his throat. “Oh, yes, of course, Paxton.”

(The truth is, though she saw Paxton, he hadn’t been looking in their direction, she’d just been overcome with the same emotion she’d felt when she’d found Ben waiting for her in his car the day he’d driven her to Malibu. The same need to kiss him in her very bones. It was only easier now because she had a contract to hide behind.)

“Anyway, we need to take a picture together. That way people will pick up on our relationship faster.”

Ben agrees and they snap their first photo as a “couple” in Sherman Oaks High’s dingy cafeteria. Ben’s arm is slung around her shoulder, and her lips are pressed to his cheek. The smile that stretches to his joyful eyes feels too real, but Devi tags Ben and posts the photo anyway. 

When Paxton is one of the first people to like the photo, Devi knows she’s on the right track.

(Or maybe she’s really on the wrong track because while Ben posts the same photo and tags her in it, he never likes her post and somehow the realization that she might be hurting him makes her feel a little sick. Her heart feels more battered and bruised than when Paxton told her he couldn’t be with her and she’d thrown herself into this whole situation. The depth of emotion she feels scares the shit out of her, so she pushes it down, the same way she did before and the same way she always will.)

* * *

At the end of the school day, Ben offers her a ride home and Devi suggests they go on a date instead.

“Not a real one of course,” she clarifies, “we just need to work on selling the relationship to the school.”

“Any preferences?” he asks, holding open the door of his car for her.

Devi climbs into his car and shrugs. “Not really, I’m just hungry and I want something spicy.”

“We could go to Chipotle?” Ben offers, taking his seat beside her.

Devi smirks at him “You think Chipotle is spicy?”

“Well, no..” Ben stammers, “but it is pretty close to our school and I know people like to hang out there.”

His face has turned a delightful shade of pink and Devi knows he’s lying. She barks out a laugh. “Oh my god, you seriously think Chipotle is spicy!”

“Well, it is.” Ben protests his face turning an even deeper shade of red.

Devi is practically crying with laughter now. “I can’t believe white people invaded the world for spices and didn’t end up using any of them.”

“That’s not a fair hit,” Ben pouts and his puppy dog eyes almost make Devi feel bad for him.

“You have no spice tolerance.”

“That’s not at all true!” Ben objects. “I was able to eat spicy food just fine when your mom had me over for dinner.”

Devi sighs exasperatedly. “Ben,” she says, “you ate dosa like it was a taco. Not to mention, that food wasn’t even spicy. It was mild, Ben. MILD.”

“Well, it looks like a taco! How are you supposed to eat it?”

“Not like that!” Devi chuckles and shakes her head. “God, I need to teach you how to properly eat Indian food.”

Their bickering continues the entire drive over, Devi continuing to mock Ben’s lack of spice tolerance, as Ben hopelessly tries to defend himself. 

(The way they’re both laughing by the end of the drive makes Devi feel happier than she has in as long as she can remember, maybe even since she lost her dad. Her chest feels warm and full, she can’t seem to stop herself from beaming her specific-for-Ben smile. But then she remembers that this is all a show for Paxton, the guy she actually likes, the one she wants to be with. and remembers that Ben is just playing along as her friend. It’s harder than last time, but she shoves her feelings down deep.)

* * *

Ben and Devi settle into a rather easy routine. Following the contract they’ve both now dated and signed — Devi keeps a copy tucked away in her history binder for reference — Ben greets her every morning at her locker with a peck on the lips. They walk to all their classes together hand in hand. They post cute pictures together on social media and tag one another. They go on occasional dates outside of school and Devi never stops making fun of Ben for his inability to eat spicy food.

(What Ben does tell her at one point, when she’s explaining to him how to properly eat dosa over lunch, is that although her favourite types of food are much too spicy for him to eat with drowning concerning amounts of water, he still likes it. Devi smiles a lot that day.)

It’s simple, easy, effortless.

(In fact, it scares Devi how easy it is for her and Ben to be so close. Vulnerability has never come easily for her and yet, she’s been more emotionally open than ever before in this fake relationship. Pretending to be with Ben might just be the easiest thing she’s ever done, easier even then committing all 118 elements of the periodic table to memory. Easier than it is for the Earth to revolve around the Sun due to the fundamental force of gravity. It’s like his pull is sucking her in. It’s as though she and Ben are two celestial bodies, dancing around each other, but never able to come together. They’re binary stars, both pulled together and ripped apart by each other’s gravity.)

“Coyote girl!”

Devi is pulled from her thoughts by the familiar nickname assigned to her by Trent. 

“Trent,” she greets him and smiles politely.

“I’m throwing a big rager tonight and you were the talk of the last party I threw, so you should come,” he says before walking away, likely to inform more people of his party.

Devi flushes as she remembers how at her last two high school parties, she got bitten by a coyote and fell into a pool respectively. She turns to Ben and offers him a sad smile. “I don’t know,” she sighs, “I don’t do well at parties, I always end up hurting myself.”

“But,” Ben says with a smirk, “in the past you haven’t had me.” She feels wrap an arm around her waist. 

“Ben, last time you didn’t save me, Paxton did,” Devi says with an eye roll.

“Well…” He presses a quick kiss to her hair. “Either this will be a good way to convince Paxton that we’re together or he’ll save you again.”

“Ugh, I hate to admit it, but you’re right.”

Ben laughs and with how close they are standing, Devi can feel it in her chest. “I’m always right,” Ben says softly.

“Not true!” Devi protests slipping out of his arms. “Remember when I beat you by one point on that biology test?” she taunts.

“That was one time!”

“Still, enough to prove that you’re not always right,” Devi says, maturely sticking out her tongue.

“Fine, fine,” Ben concedes. “You win, but I’m still taking you to Trent’s party tonight.” He brushes his unfairly soft lips against hers so quickly that Devi has no chance to kiss him back and she pouts. “I’ll pick you up at seven.”

And with that, Ben turns on his heel and heads to the only class that they are not in together, his Law class.

As Devi looks in the direction he walked longingly trying to slow the stupid thudding of her heart (this is all fake, after all), a realization smacks her in the chest.

_Her mom doesn’t know about her and Ben. Shit._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should alternatively be known as the "everyone can see it" chapter. 
> 
> There's also a very direct Jake/Amy quote from Brooklyn Nine-Nine in here because I love them a lot (and I'm inspired by my own [gifset](https://montygreen.tumblr.com/post/617821212747399168/montygreen-leilas-10k-celebration))
> 
> Come yell about this show and Devi and Ben with me on Tumblr where I'm @montygreen

Her mom, surprisingly enough, permits her to attend Trent’s party. Part of them having a better relationship includes Nalini letting her daughter have slightly more freedom. (Emphasis on slightly.) Devi tells her mom that Ben is coming to pick her and her mother throws her a suspicious glare and say, when Ben arrives, the three of them need to have a chat.

Devi wrings her hands nervously as she paces around her room. How the fuck is she going to explain what’s going on with Ben to her mom? 

She has worked so hard on improving her relationship with her mom and now she is about to destroy all of that progress with another lie. 

The idea makes her feel sick, a tight knot building in her stomach.

She certainly can’t tell her that she and Ben are in a fake relationship, her mother would never, ever approve of her using someone for personal gain, especially since her gain is of another guy who her mother has already expressed disapproval towards.

But lying and saying that she and Ben are in a real relationship equally awful.

(But maybe it isn’t a lie. She can’t deny but she feels some very real things whenever she and Ben have kissed to hold up the façade. She can’t deny the way he makes her feel warm inside, the way her heart beats faster when he’s near, the way she could get lost in the ocean that is his beautiful blue eyes. Maybe saying the relationship is nothing is more of a lie than the idea that it is real. These thoughts scare the fucking shit out of her.)

“Devi!” her mother yells. “Benjamin Gross is here to see you!”

 _Well, the time is now._ Devi sprints down the stairs, nearly tripping over the dress she’s put on for Trent’s party.

Ben is standing in the doorway, wearing a light blue suit that complements his eyes. His mouth drops agape when he sees her and his eyes blow wide. She watches him swallow nervously and it’s almost empowering.

Devi’s heart is thundering in her chest as she approaches Ben. She knows she is dressed up for this party, but she had never expected a reaction like this, not from Ben at least. She’s chosen a short red dress, knowing red is her best colour. She knows that red is often associated with passion, fire, power, and determination. If Devi Vishwakumar could describe her personality in a single colour, it would easily be red. She just so happens to be lucky enough that she looks exceptionally good in red if Ben’s reaction is anything to go by. His mouth is still agape and his pupils are wide and dark. 

“You look beautiful,” he mutters.

If Devi had known dressing up would have this much of an effect on him, she would have done it sooner. She knows where this dress draws his eyes and almost remarks _my eyes are up here, Gross,_ but instead settles for, “You’re not too bad yourself.”

It’s a complete understatement on her part. As many times as she’s seen Ben don a suit and tie, she’s never quite thought him as handsome before. 

Devi reaches for Ben’s hand and leads him over to the dining room table where her mother is sitting.

“So, Benjamin, allow me to ask, what exactly are your intentions with my daughter?” Nalini crosses her arms over her chest. 

Ben opens his mouth to speak, but Devi is faster. _It’s better to just rip the Band-Aid off_ , she decides. “Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this before and please, please don’t be mad, but Ben and I are actually…” She nervously glances over at Ben. Nowhere in their contract did they ever say that their families would become involved in their ruse, but to her relief, he gives a nearly imperceptible nod and squeezes her hand. She blows out a breath, trying to soothe her nerves. “We’re dating.”

Nalini sighs. “I know.”

“What?” Devi and Ben both say in unison. _How the hell is that even possible?_

“Well, Kanna,” she says turning to Devi, “you constantly talked about Ben, we never got through a single meal without ‘Ben Gross aced this test or Ben Gross aced that assignment’, and as heated as you claimed your rivalry was your eyes always lit up when you talked about him. I would have to be pretty foolish not to know.”

Devi doesn’t know what to say and Ben is just as shocked, so they both sit in silence staring at Nalini.

“He keeps you on your toes, the way your father always did with me and I certainly like him a lot more than that other boy you were interested in for the longest time.” Nalini sighs. “Although, for my sake, can you tell me, Devi, what you see in Ben?”

There are so many answers to that question and none of them quite feel right. So many qualities, good qualities, she never knew Ben had until they’d gotten closer. He is obviously smart, he’s funny, he’s handsome, he’s surprisingly patient and kind, he is a good listener, (and a good kisser, her brain rather unhelpful adds).

Devi turns away from her mother, meeting Ben’s brilliant blue eyes and suddenly the answer to her mother’s question is simple. “He makes me laugh.”

Nalini turns towards Ben. “And what about you, Benjamin? What do you see in my daughter?”

Ben smiles at her, it’s that special smile she knows is saved for her, and Devi feels her heart rate speed up. “There’s just…” he swallows, his adam's apple bobbing and Devi doesn’t think she’s ever seen Ben so nervous before. “There’s just no one whose opinion I care about more than hers so…”

She matches Ben's smile with one of her own, the one she tucked away and saved for him. Nalini nods and Devi notices more approval in her eyes than she’s seen in her mother’s expression in a long time. “Just have her home by 11:30. On the dot.”

“Yes Ma’am, I mean, Dr. Vishwakumar… uh, I mean, Ma’am,” Ben babbles.

“Ben, honey, you can just relax, ok?” Nalini reassures him.

Ben blows out a breath and frantically glances at Devi. “Should we get going?”

Devi nods her head and stands, smoothing out her dress. She links her arm with Ben’s and together they walk towards the door.

“11:30, no exceptions!” Nalini calls after them.

“Yes, Ma’am!” Ben calls back.

Together, they walk over to Ben’s car. “Your mom is terrifying,” Ben says as he opens the door for Devi.

“Good, I’d be concerned if you didn’t think so,” Devi replies as she climbs into the passenger seat.

Ben chuckles as he hops into the driver’s seat and slams shut the door. 

“She seems to like you though,” Devi says, “surprisingly.”

“What do you mean surprisingly? Everyone likes me.”

Devi swats him and rolls her eyes. “I didn’t.”

“Well, apparently you did. What was it she said? Oh right, that you talk about me a lot.” He smirks and starts the car. “Oh, David, I always knew you were obsessed with me.”

Devi feels her face burn at his comment and Ben’s smug expression is a tiny bit infuriating. She elbows him. “Shut up, Gross. I’m sure you’re just as obsessed with me.”

Ben’s face falls and Devi feels a slight twinge in her heart “I won’t deny that I would be, but my parents were ever home for me to talk to, so…” He turns away from her and focuses his eyes completely on the road.

 _Shit._ “Oh, Ben, I’m sorry.”

She hears Ben sigh. “It’s alright, I’m used to it.”

The weird pain she’s feeling in her chest grows stronger. “Yeah, I know, but you shouldn’t have to be used to it.” Devi inhales to steady herself. “I always complain about my mom being overbearing, but at least she’s always there for me.”

“Thanks and for what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry about your dad, mine may abandon me constantly, but at least he’s still here.”

“Thank you,” Devi replies. “And thank you for not blowing our cover to my mom, I know there was nothing in our contract about that, so I appreciate it more than you know.”

“Of course, it was the least I could do.” Ben stops the car, parking near Trent’s house. 

Devi is always shocked by the sensitive, mature side of Ben she’s been seeing more often, so his kind words come as a bit of a surprise. 

(She can’t deny that he is surprisingly easy to be vulnerable towards, that she feels comfortable talking to him. Sometimes she feels like Ben understands her better than even her best friends. He just recognizes and can directly empathize with the layer of sadness that’s always present, the type of sadness that can only be the result of parental trauma.)

Once she steps out of the car, she walks around to the other side and wraps Ben in her arms. She hears his breath catch and he is still for a moment before he reciprocates and hugs her back. Devi buries her face in his shoulder breathing in the scent of his cologne as he holds her. His grip is tight and secure and they are pressed so closely together that she can feel the beat of his heart against her own. When Devi slowly pulls back from Ben, his arms are still resting on her sides. She wants to kiss him again, so badly, but no one is around and there is no way she could justify it, so she squashes the temptation and slips out of his arms.

She gives a nod and smiles to show her appreciation and Ben’s return smile makes her stomach somersault.

She reaches for his hand and breathes a sigh of relief when her fingers curl into his own as they make their way into Trent’s house. 

Things are chaotic once they step inside. Most surfaces are littered with beer cans and countless people look super drunk. Devi spots Paxton from across the room playing beer pong and feels her heart speed up when he meets her eyes. She abruptly turns back to Ben. “Kiss me,” she says.

Ben’s eyes widen. “What?”

She doesn’t have time to explain. “Ben, please, just do it.”

Ben nods his head and lowers his mouth onto hers and Devi sighs at the contact. She runs her fingers through his lusciously soft hair and kisses him back. Every time Ben kisses her, Devi feels like she could spend her life like this, just wrapped securely in his arms, the gentle strokes of his mouth igniting a fire in her soul. 

The wolf whistles of their fellow high school students cause them to break apart. Devi blushes as she buries her head in Ben’s shoulder. “Thank you,” she whispers.

“Of course,” he responds. He kisses her once more, this time chaste and quick. “I’m going to go get us some drinks.”

Ben walks off towards a table piled with beer cans and bottles and Devi watches him intently. She’s so fixated on him that she doesn’t notice Paxton approaching her until his hand is resting on her shoulder.

“Hi, Devi.”

“Paxton,” Devi greets him with a nod. She turns away almost immediately looks back at Ben, he’s holding two beer cans and laughing at something Trent said. Just seeing the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs and the beaming smile on his face makes Devi happy beyond measure.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

Startled, Devi turns back to Paxton. _Wait, what?_ “No, I don’t… I mean…” Her heart is pounding in her chest and she breathes to steady herself. “I mean, I don’t know if I LOVE him.”

“Whatever you want to define it as, he clearly means a lot to you. He always has, hasn't he?” 

There’s no denying the truth in Paxton’s statement, Ben has always been a significant part of her life. He was the only person who didn’t treat her differently after her dad died. And while at the time, their relationship consisted of constant flinging of insults that often placed them both in the principal’s office, Devi had a certain appreciation for it. She remembers the first time she really, truly felt anything other than all-consuming grief after her dad’s death was when she beat Ben on a physics test. The need to constantly beat Ben, to pour her hours into studying for tests and completing assignments instead of thinking about her grief, was a good distraction and she appreciated it.

“You’re right,” she says, looking over once more to see Ben approaching the two of them. “He has.”

Ben hands her a can of beer and she accepts it gratefully. “You’re a lucky guy,” Paxton says, reaching out to shake Ben’s hand. Paxton gives his trademark smile, the one that used to take Devi’s breath away and elevate her heart rate, but to her surprise, her pulse remains steady. “She’s special.”

Ben returns the handshake. “Thank you.” He smiles over at Devi, his blue eyes filled with what can only be described as affection. “She is.”

(Devi notices that it’s when Ben compliments her, not Paxton, that her heart rate shoots up. She doesn’t quite know what to do with that piece of information.)

“Hey, Devi,” Paxton says with his charming smile, “Rebecca thinks you’re pretty much the coolest girl around and I have to say I’m inclined to agree. Want to come over and play video games with us sometime? I promise we don’t bite.”

Devi smiles at the boy who used to own her heart. “I like your sister too, so I’ll have to take you up on that offer.”

* * *

The rest of the party runs pretty smoothly after her conversation with Paxton. She and Ben remain inseparable. Devi sticks with a single beer recalling that the last time she drank too much she got bitten by a coyote, an experience she is not eager to repeat.

They’re standing and chatting with Fabiola and Eleanor when Ben pops the tab of a second beer.

“You should stick with one beer too, Gross.” She takes the can out of his hands. “Last time you got drunk you tried to kiss me. Twice.”

Ben’s arm is wrapped around her waist, so she can’t see him directly, but she assumes he’s rolling his eyes. “Well, considering you’re my girlfriend now, I thought kissing you was on the table.”

“Oh, it absolutely is,” Devi retorts, “I just don’t want you kissing anybody else.”

Ben presses a kiss into her hair and Devi feels her heart melt. It hurts her more than she would like to admit that the only reason Ben is being so sweet towards her is to pull off the ruse she proposed.

“I am going to go get us some drinks,” Ben says, removing his arm from around Devi’s waist. Devi gives him a menacing glare. “Non-alcoholic,” he clarifies, with a mischievous smile.

Ben walks over to fetch their drinks leaving Devi with her two friends.

“So….when were you going to tell us that Ben started actually dating?” Fabiola asks with a knowing smirk on her face. Eleanor looks like she might shriek with excitement.

“We’re not actually dating, what are you guys talking about?”

"Devi, the so-called, "love of your life,” your words, not mine, Paxton Hall-Yoshida was just talking to you and spent the ENTIRE time ogling Ben. You were staring at him like he’s Matthew McConaughey in _The Wedding Planner_ and you’re Jennifer Lopez, but you’re forgetting that Mcconaughey was eNGAGED"

“I was not ogling Ben,” Devi protests.

“I agree with El here, Devi. Did you even notice that Paxton was walking up to you before he put his hand on your shoulder?”

Shoot. Her two best friends had a point.

“Besides,” Fabiola continues, “you two have been acting ridiculously close this entire night. There’s no denying that he has feelings for you.”

“But that’s not really Ben, that’s what I obligated him to do contractually,” Devi objects.

“You’re just as dense as Chidi on _The Good Place_ when he was trying to convince himself that the version of himself that fell in love with Eleanor wasn't really him.” El sighs. “I need a Chidi.”

(Here’s the thing, Devi Vishwakumar has an appreciation for certainties, it’s why she clings so strongly to scientific facts. Science does not lie to you. There is no hidden meaning behind it, and perhaps that is why Devi finds it more comforting than cold. She does not do well with uncertainties and when something uncertain comes along, she squashes it down. But as Devi is beginning to realize, life is not certain. Life is a mess of unknowns and uncertainty. And right now, there is nothing more uncertain than her feelings for Ben and feelings he may potentially have for her.)

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Devi snaps. She feels bad immediately, she knows her friends are just trying to show they care.

“It’s okay,” Fabiola reassures Devi, sensing her distress — something Devi appreciates endlessly. “We don’t have to.”

“Yeah. Just give yourself a moment to sit with your thoughts the way Anne did when she realized she was in love with Gilb—” Fabiola clamps a hand over Eleanor’s mouth to silence her.

“Just know, we’re your friends, and if you ever do want to talk about this, we’ll be here for you,” Fabiola says, placing a comforting hand on Devi’s arm.

Overwhelmed with appreciation, Devi reaches out her arms and wraps them around both Eleanor and Fabiola. She grips them both tightly, like a lifeline. “I love you guys, so much,” she mumbles.

“We love you too,” her friends say in unison.

Devi sneaks one last glance over at Ben, who meets her eyes and smiles back, and hopes the endless patience she now knows he has is enough. Enough for him to wait for her. At least until she figures out what she wants.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the final chapter! Thank you for sticking with me through this and for all of your amazing, encouraging comments! I really hope you enjoy this final chapter and that I come up with more ideas for Devi/Ben fanfiction soon, since I really enjoyed writing this!
> 
> Come chat about this show with me on Tumblr where I'm @montygreen, I need more people to discuss Never Have I Ever with!

Several days after the party, Devi sits in history class listening to another one of Mr. Shapiro’s overly embellished lessons. Perhaps she’s still exhausted from stewing over all the revelations that her friends placed before at Trent’s party, but Mr. Shapiro’s teaching seems more eccentric than usual. She taps her mechanical pencil impatiently on her desk as she waits for the school bell to ring.

“Alright my brilliant minds, just a reminder that you have a unit test tomorrow worth 10% of your final grade,” Mr. Shapiro says before making a weird hand gesture and dismissing the class.

She packs up her things and waits for Ben to walk with her to lunch. He offers her his hand and she gladly accepts lacing their fingers together.

“So, I was thinking,” Ben starts, “we could study for Mr. Shapiro’s test together at my place if you wanted.”

_Why would he want to do that?_

“But there’s no point in that,” Devi blurts, “no one would see us, it’s not necessary to sell our relationship.”

“You’re right, it’s not,” Ben agrees before his voice gets softer than she’s used to, “but I’d like to spend time with you anyway.

_Oh._

There’s no advantage for them studying together. No one would see them together and Devi knows that Ben certainly doesn’t think studying with her will benefit him academically. She’s known him since the 1st grade and knows that with his superiority complex, he still thinks he’s better than her (as ridiculous as Devi knows that is, she’s obviously smarter than him)

What it means is that he wants to spend time with her, just for the sake of spending time together. No ulterior motives, no strings attached. 

Ben is smiling the smile she knows is specific for her and her alone and the realization hits her like a ton of bricks. Maybe her friends were right. Maybe Ben Gross has real feelings for her. Maybe he wants to be with her.

And she wants to be with him too.

(Devi knows there is absolutely no logical reason to want this. As a person who’s always lived her life logically, turning to calculated rationale rather than impassioned emotions, Devi does not know how to deal with that. The possibility that this is real, that Ben has real feelings for her and she for him, terrifies her. It scares her more than their ruse being discovered ever possibly could.)

“So, Devi, what do you say?” Ben asks, interrupting her train of thoughts.

Devi sighs and shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.

She could break off this fake relationship with Ben right now if she wanted. She’s accomplished what she needed, she’s convinced the school, Paxton included, that she and Ben are dating. She could amicably tell him that their contract is now void and pursue the person she really wants. Right?

Except that is the last thing she wants to do. Paxton isn’t what she wants anymore, as hard as it is for her to admit that. And more shockingly, she doesn’t want to just end whatever she has going on with Ben. She likes the way their once aggressive banter, which no longer has any bite, is friendly and flirtatious. She likes the way her mother approves of him. She likes the way he holds her hand, how steady and secure he makes her feel. She likes the way he kisses her, always seeking to soothe or pleasure her rather than demand something of his own.

Holy fuck, she likes Ben Gross.

And now she’s turning him down. 

(Because she doesn’t deserve Ben. She is harsh and horrible and only hurts people instead of helping them. He has already saved her a million times over her by helping her, by agreeing to let her hold his heart in the palm of her hands. And what is she doing for him in return? Nothing. He deserves more than manipulation and lies and someone willing to shatter his heart into a million pieces to get what they want. He deserves more than her.)

Watching Ben’s face fall at her rejection hurts, like a knife digging into her chest. But it’s better this way, better to cut him loose so she can no longer cause him pain. It will hurt a lot in the short term, but this is better in the long term and Devi knows it. “I’m sorry,” Devi apologizes trying to hold back the tears that threaten. “And this,” she takes her copy of their contract out of her history binder, “can’t continue. We… we can’t do this anymore.” She tears the contract down the middle ripping it in two. She knows she’s being rash and impulsive, but she holds her ground.

“Devi, wait, can we,” Ben swallows, “can we talk about this…” The vulnerability in his eyes hurts her, she is so tempted to fling herself into his arms, kiss him, and tell him she’s making a huge mistake. “Please?” he begs, his voice soft as a whisper.

Devi pushes down her building sadness and shakes her head again and again and again. “There’s nothing to talk about.” She turns away from Ben, hardening her heart, and storms down the hallway.

* * *

Devi sits on her bed hugging her pillow to her chest. It hurts like hell, but she knows she did the right thing. Now that Ben is free from her, he can fall for someone who deserves him. Someone who deserves his constancy and unwavering loyalty. That someone is not her. 

She hears a light knock on her door. “Devi, are you alright?” 

“Go away, Kamala.”

Kamala opens her door and walks through anyway and Devi immediately hurls her pillow in Kamala’s direction. She ducks out the way and Devi’s pillow thumps on the ground. Kamala sits on the edge of Devi’s bed. “Devi, if this is about a boy, I’m probably the best person to talk to considering I’m the only other person in this family who had an actual boyfriend.”

Devi doesn’t want to be vulnerable, but she can’t hold it in anymore, and besides Kamala is right, she is the only person Devi can talk to about this.

“I think I’m in love with Ben Gross!” Devi blurts.

“The boy you’re dating?” Kamala asks, tilting her head to the side. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

“No,” Devi says, shaking her head aggressively, no longer able to stop the tears from falling. “It is not…” she sniffles. “Not a good thing because I have completely, completely messed things up.”

Kamala looks at her sympathetically. “How so?”

Devi looks up at her cousin, knowing she’s an utter wreck right now. She feels more scared and vulnerable than she ever has before. Usually, when Devi is scared or sad she takes it out through rage, but today she just doesn’t have it in her. That and if her mom found her screaming over a boy, she’d probably be grounded for life. “Promise not to tell my mom?” she begs.

Kamala nods and gives her a reassuring smile.

Devi takes a deep breath and fixes her gaze on the floor. “Ben and I weren’t actually together, we just convinced everyone we were.” Devi looks up at Kamala expecting to find her eyes laced with venomous anger, but it’s not there, she simply looks confused.

“Why would you do that?”

“I needed to convince Paxton that I was mature enough to be in a relationship with him and he said that the only way I could do that was by being with someone else first.” Devi knows she’s poorly paraphrasing what Paxton had told her the fateful day this whole mess started, but it gets her point across to her cousin, so it doesn’t matter.

“So you asked Ben,” Kamala says.

“It just felt like the right choice. He’s always been there for me even when I wasn’t completely aware of it. And since we’re kind of friends now, we could easily sell a relationship. The contract we signed laid everything out perfectly.”

Kamala nods, but she doesn’t say anything. Usually, Devi feels like her cousin’s patience and kindness are phony, but this feels genuine and Devi feels surprisingly comfortable talking to her. 

“I just… I just never expected I’d end up having real feelings...” she clears her throat. “For him.”

“Oh, Devi,” Kamala tuts, “I think you always felt something for Ben.”

Devi opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. She simply sits, mouth agape as she stares at her cousin. 

“There was this certain passionate…” Kamala pauses as if trying to find the right word, “...spark whenever you talked about him. That and after we spread your father’s ashes and I found you two together in Ben’s car — with the way you were looking at each other, it was pretty obvious.” 

She wraps a comforting arm around Devi’s shoulder and Devi burrows into the embrace, resting her head against Kamala’s chest. “I think there was a reason you asked him to do this for you rather than someone else. I think a little part of you always knew.”

“But what if…” Devi hiccups as tears continue to fall. Being this vulnerable is embarrassing, she hates it. “What if it’s too late, what if I’ve already broken his heart beyond repair?”

Kamala chuckles. “Devi, if you care about one another, it’s not too late.” She soothingly rubs Devi’s back. “You deserve to be happy and I think that Ben makes you happy.”

Devi smiles and laughs. “He does make me happy.” Because it’s true, he makes her ridiculously happy, happy like the sun is in her chest, warming her to her core. Then she sighs, “but what if I don’t deserve him?”

“Relationships aren’t about deserving,” Kamala corrects, “they’re about putting in effort and growing together and making things work, through the good and bad. More importantly, though, you don’t get to decide what he deserves, only he does.”

(Devi realizes she’s approaching this like an equation, a chemical reaction, but the problem is that emotions are far more volatile and unstable than any reagents she’s worked with. People are not numbers, they don’t respond in expected, calculable ways to scenarios and situations, they are unpredictable. And that unpredictability is only balanced and held together by human connection.)

“Devi, it’s not about you and Ben trying to fit into each other’s lives,” Kamala reminds her, “it’s about building your lives so they fit together.”

Devi nods before wrapping both her arms around her cousin. “Thanks, Kamala.” She lets go and casts her gaze on her pillow that’s still lying on the floor. “And sorry for throwing my pillow at you.”

Kamala simply laughs and flashes Devi a genuine sisterly smile, before standing up and stepping out of her room.

As Kamala leaves, Devi fills with resolve and determination, she knows exactly what she needs to do.

* * *

Approximately half an hour later, Devi stands in front of Ben’s door about to knock. She’s jittery with nerves, so scared she considers turning back and hoping she can talk with Ben the next day at school.

_No. I need to do this._

Devi raises her fist to the door and knocks lightly. It’s pretty late and she knows her mom might kill her if she finds out Devi isn’t home, but this is worth it. 

Ben answers the door on her second knock. He looks a bit dishevelled, his eyes a little red and puffy as if he’s been crying. She didn’t know Ben Gross ever cried. _This is my fault._

“Hi, Devi.” He sniffles and rubs the sleeve of his shirt against his face.

“Ben.” She smiles at him, knowing she likely looks equally like a wreck. She hadn’t bothered to clean herself up after chatting with Kamala. Perhaps he should know she’s broken her own heart too. “Can I come in?”

Ben nods his head. “Of course.”

Devi steps inside and Ben shuts the door behind her. She slips off her shoes and makes her way over to Ben’s couch where she sits with her legs folded under her. 

Ben takes the seat next to her, hands clasped nervously in his lap, staring at the floor and unable to meet her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” Devi blurts out. 

Devi is relieved when Ben finally looks up at her, his beautiful, bold blue eyes meeting her brown ones. His eyes are filled with so many emotions, dominantly, a muddle of sadness, anger, and confusion. “I don’t think I ever expected this to be real and I got so, so scared when I realized that it was.”

“So that’s why you did this?” Ben accuses, “because you were scared?”

Devi shakes her head. “No, that’s not all of it.”

Ben scoffs. “Devi, what is “all of it,” I think I deserve to know.”

Devi blows out a breath. “You’re right. You do.” She sighs. “But it… it wasn’t just that this was real, it was that.” She swallows. “Ben, I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Well, you certainly made that clear,” Ben mumbles sarcastically.

Devi hates that he’s mad at her, but she knows she deserves it. “You’re like— this constant... in my life and I didn’t realize how important that was until I found you waiting for me after you drove me to Malibu.”

“The day you kissed me,” Ben says quietly, tracing his finger along his bottom lip.

“The idea of losing that… it scared me, it scared me so goddamn much.”

She lets out a shuddery deep breath. “Paxton is flaky, if he broke my heart, I’d be prepared for it, it’s inevitable, but you…” She reaches for Ben’s hand and is surprised when he lets her take it. “I don’t know what I would do with myself if… if I lost you.”

She grips his hand tightly. “You saved me, Ben, a million times over. And I guess… knowing that was a little more than I could take. It was scary, and I'm terrible at dealing with stuff that scares me." 

Ben doesn’t say anything, he keeps holding her hand. “I was so scared… so scared that I’d broken your heart, I was scared I didn’t deserve you.” She squeezes his hand. “But…” she glances frantically at the floor before looking back up at Ben. “Love isn’t about deserving.”

Ben’s mouth drops open and he lets go of her hand. “Wait…” he swallows. “You…?”

Devi quickly nods her head. “I do. So goddamn much.” She takes a deep breath to calm her racing nerves. “I love you so much— so much I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to... I don’t want to stop loving you.”

She laughs. “I know this sounds ridiculous but... I love the stupid way you smile when you beat me on a test or an assignment.” Another deep breath. “I love— the way you insight this fiery passion in me— no one else can do that. I love the way you push me to always be the best person I can be. Honestly, fuck it—” 

She grabs the lapels of Ben’s shirt, pulls him towards her, and kisses him.

At first, he’s frozen and Devi feels a sinking fear in her stomach.

But that fear vanishes when his mouth begins to move against hers. She lets out a sigh of relief as he kisses her back and she finally gives herself the purchase to kiss him the way she’s wanted to since that moment in the car. She pours everything into the kiss, every word and emotion and feeling she couldn’t get out in her messy confession. She runs her hands through his unfairly soft hair (courtesy of some special hair gel from France, she remembers him bragging), relishing the feeling of his curls beneath her fingertips. It astounds her that he is both gentle and passionate all wrapped up in one. She feels him tug at her bottom lip and suddenly his tongue is in her mouth, the sensation as perfect as she remembers. She feels freer than she’s felt in a long time. Because she and Ben are not binary stars, both pulled together and ripped apart by gravity, they’re colliding galaxies. Their collision is not only inevitable, but chaotic, beautifully chaotic.

It’s the trivial need for oxygen that pulls them apart — and god Devi wishes she was some anaerobic microorganism right now because all she wants to do at this moment is kiss Ben. She wants to kiss him, and kiss him, and kiss him, until her lips are swollen and bruised, and even then she’d want to kiss him some more.

But she squashes the temptation and smiles at Ben, who’s smirking at her and arching an eyebrow. “Did you just kiss me to shut yourself up?” he teases. His voice is raspy and breathless and Devi can't help but grin knowing she’s the reason why.

Devi feels her face heat up. “I did.” She shrugs. “I thought it might get my point across better.”

Ben laughs, the carefree, warm laugh Devi loves so much. He then fixes his eyes on her intently, blue irises blazing with affection. “I love you too,” he murmurs, hand caressing her cheek. “You inspire me, too.” He draws in a shuddery breath. “You, Devi Vishwakumar, make me the best version of myself.”

He kisses her again, soft and slow this time and Devi melts into it. It’s funny how the entire world seems to fade away when she’s in Ben’s arms. How they remain locked in their perfect world, ignorant of all surroundings. Except… 

She pulls away quickly as a thought pops into her head. “Oh my god, I haven’t studied at all for tomorrow’s history test!”

Ben frowns slightly at her before crowing a laugh. “Of course that’s what you’re thinking about right now,” he teases.

Devi arches an eyebrow. “What? Don’t tell me you’re not also thinking about it?”

Ben shrugs his shoulders and smirks at her. “Oh my god,” Devi realizes, “this is all part of your plan to do better than me isn’t it?” She elbows him and giggles. “I can’t believe you’d sink this low to trick me!”

“Oh, David,” he retorts, “you give me too much credit.” The light teasing in his eyes transforms into that soft expression Devi knows Ben only wears when he’s about to kiss her. “Come here.” He pulls her close again.

Neither of them studies for the test at all that night.

* * *

She still gets 100, obviously.


End file.
